God, Poker, and Starving Jesus...

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted. And wow, a lot has happened in the past month. I'll try not to let it turn into a bulleted list.

First, I got to take a trip to Las Vegas about two weeks ago with a guy named Ash from my church that runs a comic book and game store, for a convention there. Basically my job at this thing was to be the idiot test, the client in the middle of all the retailers who can ask the dumb questions, really find out if this thing is interesting or not, and ultimately say, "yeah, I would play this or read this" or "no way, this stinks, no matter how hard they try to sell it."

I threw myself into all of this with much enthusiasm, and was rewarded with a lot of knowledge about the game industry, some really sore feet ( you gotta walk EVERYWHERE on the Strip), some really great inside jokes (two words: STEEL TRAP) and about 5 extra pounds from the great food at the Venetian.

I also got to answer a question that was bugging me for a long time, and that was simply this: Could I live like Jesus in an area that is like the Vegas Strip? It's an honest question. Sin and temptation is all around you, can you still enjoy yourself apart from sin, but more importantly, it was the challenge of God to me saying, can you still be the same guy that you are in the building on Sunday? Or will you compromise a little here or there? I decided to surrender myself to doing this God's way, and ended up with some amazing experiences, like a conversation with an A-10 pilot based out of Georgia named Scott at the Excalibur. I hope it's not the only time that salvation and Christ has been discussed at a 2-4 Hold 'Em table, but I know by the time we were into it, most of the table was listening, probably because it seemed so out of place, but it shouldn't have been.

It was awesome, because he had a Catholic background, his wife was completely out of any church background, and both of them are on the edge about getting into church, and God puts me int he seat next to him. We maybe played a third of the hands, and the rest of the time, we are just sitting there talking about Christ, openly and freely.

When I was getting ready to leave, he was musing that Vegas was the last place he expected to start finding some clarity about God and church. Funny, but I would think that should be a place chock full of the disciples of Jesus, since that kind of place would have the people He hung out with. Nevertheless, an awesome experience, one of many. Scott, I pray you and your wife find Jesus everywhere, and that you can't get rid of Him, and that He invades your life with His love so you will know that He wants all of your lives, and that you'll give it to Him.

So anyway, about that extra 5 pounds I gained... well, I got home, and frankly I'm getting a little sick of being as overweight as I am. It's not the most I've ever been in my life, but it's substantial so I went through the usual thing of "should I diet and how", and "I should exercise more" and all that. In the middle of this, though, I started reading a book that my friend at church Aaron gave me called "Starving Jesus". It's basically a wake up call to the church to stop the pattern of starving Jesus to feed ourselves and start starving our lives in order to feast on Him. To move from self-filling independence to complete dependence on Him, to be satisfied only by Him.

This all coincides with the fact that I see more and more that our church is at a crossroads. We are growing more in attendance than ever before, yet we seem to be losing some of our passion at the same time. We are searching for a coherent vision from God to empower both our leadership and the folks in the pews to get out of the pews and be Him. In some ways we seem to be spinning our wheels. Projects are started and not finished. Long time volunteers are getting stressed out and burned out, and no new replacements are stepping in or being trained. We are struggling to make our budget, even the most basic things like bills. Our congregation is in danger of sagging under its own weight, because we are starting to look more like an oversized, comfortable couch potato church rather than one who is vibrant, passionate and quick to exit the doors into the world to be the hands and feet of Christ.

This is NOT the mindset of everyone, mind you. It is one mindset that seems to be gaining momentum against the other mindset of living and breathing Christ. Like I said, we are at a crossroads to see which mindset is going to play out in our church, and as a man and a minister, I have felt very inadequate to deal with helping direct the church.

Why do I bring this up, and what does it have to do with being overweight? As I read this book and thought about my desire for food, and the church's situation, the more Jesus was saying to me, "will you starve yourself to feed Me? will you give up, sacrifice, both literally and physically, your daily bread to let Me be your Food and Drink? Will you give yourself over to complete dependence on Me, so I can direct your steps, and help you direct the steps of my church at CK?"

So Monday, April 28th I had dinner for the last time. I pledged to fast until after I had preached on Sunday the 11th of May.

I'm really scared of actually putting this out, because I'm afraid of looking like a spiritual hero or something, and I don't want to wear this fast as a badge of courage or honor, or "look at me, look how spiritual I am!" Jesus warned me pretty clearly about that in Matthew 6. The reason I say this is simply to say HE IS FAITHFUL AND TRUE. He Is Real. He is doing everything He promised and more.

I have never been more aware of Him, or my need of Him, before now. being hungry sucks. But it is the realization that I need this more than food that is such a driving thing, that realization that my heart should not be fed what it desires, but instead be surrendered to Christ to let HIM feed it what it needs that is so captivating about this. It is not fun. I have wanted to quit numerous times since I started (especially with Lane's tri-tip barbecue - thanks for saving me some leftovers for the freezer!), but the rewards have been greater. I have been driven to dependence on prayer and the Word like food. I have had peace in very unlikely circumstances. I have seen God very clearly saying, "You are not doing this for you, you are doing this for Me. Let Me be glorified in this, and I will support you."

The best way to sum it all up was my Sunday Morning experience. I was preaching, and was at morning service, when it was time to take communion. At first, I was conflicted. "I said I wasn't going to have any food, but...does this count or not?" Then it was like Christ said to me "isn't this, all of this, about Me anyway? This is all about Me! remember ME! Feast on Me!"

If you've ever had the matzos at church, you know it's like ingesting white cardboard sometimes. The fiber's definitely there, but taste? Whatever. The cup, same way. Usually a bit sour, leaves an interesting aftertaste. Can't tell you how many times I see others pop gum or a mint right after taking communion, and how many times I've done it as well. It's like, ok we got that over with, now back to what we normally do.

Not this time. The bread was ALIVE. I could taste all the sugars, the wheat, everything. I was overwhelmed at how good it was. The cup held no bitterness, no awkward aftertaste. On the contrary it was liquid grape sugary goodness, full of flavor and power on my tongue, like the sweetest thing I had ever tasted.

And the tears sprung to my eyes as the Savior whispered to my heart, "If you were willing to starve out all the stuff you put into your life, how sweet would My love taste? How much more would you enjoy it? How satisfying could I really be to you, if you were willing to starve yourself of all but Me?"

Lord Jesus, never let me starve You to feed my desires again. You are better than that, and I want to develop a taste for You alone.